Welcome to the avocado-pocalypse. Has anyone made that pun before? No? I’m the first? Great. Moving on…
If the president closes the southern border, our nation’s supply of avocados could vanish in three short weeks. Here’s how you can cope should this nightmare come to pass:
2. Refinance your house to pay for a side of guacamole.
3. If you don’t own a house, secure eighty thousand dollars in payday loans. This will be just enough to purchase a spoonful of guac. If necessary, pledge your life as collateral.
4. Sell your firstborn for half an avocado. Ideally, your best friend also has a child so you can share the same avocado.
5. Beg the Canadians to build a vast barge that will carry avocados from Michoacán to Newfoundland. Smuggle those green babies across Lake Ontario.
6. Become a queso person. Ignore the cold emptiness that envelops your soul.
7. Ask your psychologist to hypnotize you so you can forget the sweet, sweet taste of Haas forever, and be finally free.
8. Vlog so hard about it.
9. Try to make California rolls with cucumber and crab alone. Suddenly recognize your pathetic attempt at sushi for what it truly is. Try to feed this “sushi” to your dog. Apologize to your dog, who is now deeply offended.
10. Buy every other type of food that contains monounsaturated fat. Fold together in a medium-sized bucket and enjoy.
11. Ask a friend in Mexico to construct a ballista that will launch avocados toward your precise GPS coordinates. Special care should be taken to avoid United States missile defense systems.
12. Mix pureed spinach into a bowl of porridge. When it gets cold, dip chips into it and say: “This is guacamole and I love it.”
13. Form a small militia and seize a Chipotle. Grievously injure your comrades in a battle for the last tub of that sweet, sweet emerald dip.
14. Actually be motivated toward political action, because after years of minor injustices, this is where you draw the line.
15. Make normal toast. ∎